The Crimson Pigskin e-Letter: Vol 11, Issue 19

THE CRIMSON PIGSKIN e-LETTER

 

A Wii REGRESSION

 

Seen those people playing video games on the Nintendo Wii lately?  Next time you do, imagine they're lying on their back, wearing a diaper or a nifty pair of Sooners overalls.  Some of the game play motions look like an infant flailing around in the air thinking to themselves,…"Hey,…these reachers and grabbers are great.  Think I'll grow up and use these to win the Super Bowl on Madden 2017 or to rid the world of evil in a game of Call of Duty 15".

 

It's always been a hoot watching gamers move game controllers around in the air attempting to move heroes on the screen further over to miss obstacles or get a clear shot at the enemy.  It's even more of a chuckle when there are not wires tethering the gamer to the console.  Boxing is fun to watch because the player has to move both remote controls to one side or the other and it looks like they really have a guard up. 

 

The Rocky Balboa strategy is to let the computer boxer make a speed bag outta ya until your Mii is a little punchy, then Left! Left! Left!  Ding Ding!  The winner and still champeen!...the person who gets to be a little infantile with family and friends!  Perhaps a wee regression is good for the soul after all.  For those who game as a team,…"There is no I in WE".

 

THE CRIMSON REEL

 

Movie reviews have been a part of the Crimson Pigskin e-Letter in all its forms over the past 11 college football seasons.  This issue includes three more for your entertainment.  The following estimations and guesstimations will help the reader become a much more informed moviegoer and possibly contribute to world peace.  Well, they may not bring world peace but they will prove that CPEL has something for everyone.

 

PAUL BLART * MALL COP – Starring and produced by funnyman Kevin James, this is the story of a mild-mannered mall security guard, officer, cop (Take your pick.) who is the Rodney Dangerfield of the mall he "observes, detects, records and reports" the ongoings of.  Blart's dream is to become a state police officer but his hypoglycemia has his aspirations sidelined.  Then one day a group of high-tech criminals take over Blart's domain.  Against overwhelming odds, can Blart keep the bad guys from completing a huge heist and free their hostages?  It's worth the price of admission to find our.  Funny stuff.

 

HOTEL FOR DOGS – This is a cute movie about some orphans who decide to keep stray dogs inside an abandoned inner city hotel.  Some of the gadgets to keep the dogs occupied are ingenious (although not as ingenious as a Wii) and the creativity brings a great deal of charm to the picture.  Starring fugitives from a couple of Disney flicks, the youth actors/actresses are excellent while the adults, aside from Don Cheadle and the lady who plays his wife, are over the top.  The story line has made for TV written all over it but the magnitude of the big screen is needed to get the full effect of the doggie-sitting devices.  Dog lovers will be overwhelmed with pride.  Good flick for kids and non-action film types.

 

VALKYRIE – OK,  Pet peeve.  Ready?  The audience is pelted with no less than six different speech accents during the two hours this film runs.  Now, in the author's opinion, it's much easier to follow the movie with the characters speaking English as opposed to German with subtitles.  However, the characters were supposed to be officers in the World War II German war machine and Tom Cruise speaks good ol' US of Aan with other actors wavering back and forth from flairs of the Von Trapp Family Singers in The Sound of Music to one of the Beatles (not Ringo, but a combination of the others).  It's a very suspenseful movie, based on a true story and seems like it is historically accurate (spoken with southern United States drawl) for the most part.

 

SODA WARS

 

Big 12 Conference sponsor Dr. Pepper boasts 23 flavors with the likes of Julius Erving and Kelsey Grammer singing its praises.  "Trust me, I'm a doctor" they say with a sly grin that says, "I've been guzzling these twenty-three flavors and they're great.  You should guzzle them too".  Then there's a mom and pop root beer stand in Tulsa, Oklahoma which makes some delicious root beer with but 14 ingredients.  CPEL has brought in universally known Yoda, the wise little greenish wrinkly taste tester, to sort through all this flavor madness for the readers.  The battle begins.

 

CPEL:  Yoda, it's truly an honor to hear from someone of your stature on the matter of Which tastes better?:  23 flavors of Dr. Pepper or 14 ingredients which make up the root beer manufactured at Weber's Root Beer Stand in Tulsa, Oklahoma.

Yoda:  A privilege to be here, it is.  Thankful I am for your invitation.

CPEL:  No problem.  Have you tasted both sodas and are you prepared to discuss them for our readers?

Yoda:  Taste them I have not.  Use the force to compare them I will.

CPEL:  Sorry Yoda, the force ain't gonna help with this little taste test.  You're gonna have to drink each one and give us your distinguished opinion so the readers can get an idea of your take on each.

Yoda:  Rude you are smartypants paddiwan apprentice.  Bust you to space private I will.

CPEL:  Wish you wouldn't do that but here goes.  Which would you like to sample first?

Yoda:  Pass the plastic bottle to me first.  Drink it I will.  Gulp, gulp, gulp.  Burp.  Excuse me.

CPEL:  Ok, what did you taste?

Yoda:  Obscure the power of the force, the plastic bottle does.  Tasty the flavors are.

CPEL:  OK.  Try this one in the brown glass bottle with an honest to goodness metal cap on top.

Yoda:  Yes.  There is no try but drink it I will.  Gulp, gulp, gulp.  Burp.  Excuse me.

CPEL:  All right Yoda,…what do your taste buds tell you about this one?

Yoda:  Dulled by plastic the flavors are not.  Taste the spices and tree bark I do.  Overcarbonated, it is not.  Gulp, gulp, gulp,…gulp.

CPEL:  Hey, where'd the second sample go.

Yoda:  Ah, down my gullet has it traveled.  Universe juice soon it will be.

CPEL:  Hold on.  I think that's a little more than the readers wanted to know.  What are your overall impressions and what is your final rendering on this taste test?

Yoda:  Which soda is which told me you have not.  A sneaky paddiwan, er, uh, space private you are.

CPEL:  Oh yeah.  Nearly forgot.  That's why you're out there saving the universe and I'm conducting taste tests for internet newsletters.  Number one was the 23 flavors of Dr. Pepper.  Number two was Weber's Old Fashioned Root Beer, containing only 14 ingredients.

Yoda:  While delicious the DP is, choose the root beer I must.  True refreshing flavor measured in thousand gallon vats is not.  Homemade this root beer is.  And in the same location I flew over in 1933.  Soda war the root beer has won.

CPEL:  You're quite the Earth historian Yoda.  Honored to have met you and certainly all the readers have benefited immensely from your knowledge and flavor expertise.  Anything you'd like to add before you have to go?

Yoda:  Carbonated flavors many you will drink when refreshment you need.  Enjoy them all in good health you will.

CPEL:  We'll do our best to live by those wise words Yoda.  Thank you so much again for guiding us in these uncertain soda wars.

Yoda:  The privilege mine is.  Good-bye for now space private.

CPEL:  Safe flight Yoda.  Hope you make out ok in Return of the Jedi.

 

TULSA vs. BALL STATE

 

It was pouring cats and dogs in Mobile, Alabama when the Hurricane took the field against the Ball State Cardinals on Tuesday January 6, 2009.  This played entirely to Tulsa's advantage in this year's GMAC Bowl game.  Coach Todd Graham's Golden Hurricane hit the gas and never looked back as the passing game took a back seat while running back Tarrion Adams rolled up 207 yards on 19 carries. 

 

Clearly abandoning CPEL's plea to pass the ball every down in hopes of winning, the benefit of the doubt goes to the TU coaches and players for adjusting to the harsh weather conditions and holding BSU scoreless the entire second half.  The passing did finally blossom, giving way to the final possessions being run between the tackles.  Before the rain had subsided in the second half, Tulsa built an insurmountable lead and the Cardinals hopes for victory fell out of the proverbial nest so to speak as Tulsa won 45-13.  Congratulations to the Hurricane on a great 11-3 season.  Here's hoping the winning ways continue!

 

THE CURSE

 

There it was under the tree.  It was an eye-popping shade of red with white lettering on the front.  It read "1977 Orange Bowl" and had the silhouette of a Sooner Schooner silk-screened on it.  Brother got one just like it and just like those crimson number 24 jerseys that came the year before, the boys donned them as soon as the wrapping paper hit that textured shag carpet. 

 

One week later on New Year's night, the Sooner football team was embarrassed by an upstart Arkansas Razorback team, coached by a gentleman named Lou Holtz, 31-6.  It remains one of the biggest upsets in the history of NCAA football.  OU fans who remember that night are still trying to forget it.

 

Flash forward 31 years (Sound of time machine whirring, clunking, buzzing and grinding to a halt in 2008)  It was sweet too!  Bright crimson with crisp bold white lettering and the BCS Championship Game logo right in the center.  Best part was there wasn't a mention of the Sooners' opponent to be found. 

 

As usual, Santa had pegged the perfect gift.  He knew the Sooners had been nice all year and it was time for the gifting frenzy.  Our hero knew when he saw it, it had the potential for disaster.  When that someone special smiles and says, "I got this especially for you", notions that the curse may have worn off over the last three decades  blurs the judgment and it gets worn right away.  Enter the Florida Gators.

 

The Oklahoma Sooners put their collective best crimson foot forward on Thursday, January 8, 2009 when they faced the University of Florida in the BCmeSs National Championship Game.  OU played a whale of a ballgame and came up a couple of plays short on the losing end of a 24-14 (not to be confused with the 23-14 Soda Wars above) decision.  There were two definitive plays in the ballgame.   On the first play OU's star finesse (not to be confused with the shampoo) receiver Joaquin Iglesias had a Sam Bradford pass in his hands and let the Florida defender take the ball away from him like he was in a junior high sandlot game. 

 

The other play was the jumpball pass Tim Tebow made to his roommate for the Gators' final TD (no, not Tom Dirato) of the evening.  His roommate was covered, unlike the time Boise State ran a Statue-of-Liberty and defeated OU in a Fiesta Bowl which bears forgetting as well.  These incidents made the UF defender and Tebow's roomie the unsung heroes of the night.  The Iglesias play was apparently enough to drive namesake, Joaquin Phoenix, into becoming a rapper.  The word artist belongs nowhere in that last sentence.

 

Oklahoma had one field goal blocked during the night and came up with zero points on two trips into the red zone in the first half.  During the first delightful journey, Florida stopped the Sooners on a brilliant goal line stand and the second one ended with the tipping, juggling and consequential intercepting of a Sam Bradford pass with less than ten seconds to play in the half. 

 

Both teams' defenses shone brightly the entire game as the half-time score of 14-14 indicated.  Tebow took over the Gator offense, the game, South Florida, the Phillipines and who knows what all in the middle of the third quarter.  From that point on, Florida gained the edge they needed to win despite Oklahoma coming in with a great game plan.  The missed points and turnovers proved too much to overcome in the end.

 

Florida, however, was able to get a field goal, bringing the tally to 17-14, then the NCAA women's basketballesque jumpball toss in the fourth quarter sealed the victory.  Ultimately, it was probably the national championship t-shirt that precipitated the loss but if there was any blame to be shouldered by the OU coaching staff it is that passing the ball brought them to the big dance and when the chips were down, they failed to run the ball into the end zone against a tough defense in goal-to-go situations in the first half and the rest is history.  The Sooners played their hearts out like all those crimson clad champions who have posted championship seasons before them.

 

Tebow is a class act and the Sooners played a great game.  The country was treated to a great national title game as a result.  Oklahoma made the BCmeSs look good for an evening.  Moral victories are for other teams in and out of the Big 12 Conference but Bob Stoops and the team have nothing to hang their heads about.  They had a great season.

 

Afterward, Tebow and Bradford chose to remain collegians for the 2009 season instead of taking lucrative pro contracts to leave school early.  Sportswriters are criticizing them for it these days.  These guys are two more things that make a great game even better.  Healthy seasons to both and may they meet again.

 

THE PERCENTAGES

 

The Tulsa win cost one loss on the CPEL season record.  The OU loss added one win to the CPEL season record.  This brings the season total to 44-14.  That's 76% for all those college quarterbacks who are declaring for the draft early.

 

Thanks for reading and have a great weekend!

 

Carlos

 

THE CRIMSON PIGSKIN e-LETTER